Scientists have discovered the source of dark-side
sombreness responsible for England’s poor football performances. Readings have indicated
extremely high levels of Sith activity precisely located around England’s
commentary team in Kiev.
“We’re not naming any names” said Professor Dinkworm of the
Institute of Studies, “but there’s one individual who we suspect of radiating
negative energy on an epic scale. It’s clearly taken it’s toll on the players”
Scientists believe that this entity calls itself Darth Lawro,
and has been clouding the entire teams
thoughts with horrors from the Dark Side.
“This creature must have a colossal midichlorian count,”
said Dinkworm, “he’s able to literally depress not just the team, but an entire
nation through a trick of the force, using the medium of television”
Viewers phoned in with higher than usual numbers of complaints
of headaches, caused by repetition of mantras such as “No shape, no cohesion,
no ambition, no hope”.
Readings spiked around the time the commentator concerned
said “if his brains were petrol he’d never get out of the garage”
Prof Dinkworm, and his team believe that the waves of
dark-side gloom instil the certainty of inevitable defeat that psychically
transmits to the players and all England supporters worldwide. “It’s a major
discovery”, he said, “If we can overthrow Darth Lawro, we estimate that England
will win the next 5 world cups in a row from sheer relief”
“Assuming we keep sacking the manager, of course”
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